Writer’s Name: Peter Wilhelm
Does the writer state a thesis at the end of the first paragraph that explains why s/he wants to study a particular subculture and does s/he make a claim about how his or her view of that subculture has been formed? If you can’t find a thesis point this out here.
If you can find a thesis, rewrite the thesis here:
Does the thesis make an argument that a reasonable person could disagree with? If yes, what? If no, suggest a thesis based on the paper.
It’s just not very interesting… spice it up !
What subculture is named in the paper?
The gay community at BSU
Could the thesis need to be more concise or more complex?
More complex.. its too broad
Is the thesis specific enough to have meaning? Make a suggestion that pushes the language towards more specific meaning:
Being friend to a couple gay students at Ball State, …. Say how you feel .. maybe talk about how the stereotypes offend you because you’re friends with them but that you still have learning to do about them?
How does the essay address the writer’s fixed position in connection with his or her potential subculture? Quote from the paper to explain.
Yes….‘When it comes to my topic I think my age group, 17-20 year olds, know the most and are more knowledgeable about it. …. I also believe females tend to know more gay people than males. I think this because gay guys feel more comfortable telling women that they are gay.’
What does the writing tell you about this student’s subjective position? Quote from the paper to explain.
Yes….‘As for my background, I know many gay people mostly because I have a lot who live on my floor, many of whom I am friends with.’
-he gives a background as to why he thinks he should be the one speaking about gays
What does the writing tell you about this student’s textual position?
Quote from the paper to explain.
Yes… ‘My reasons for choosing the gay community at Ball State are neither negative nor positive. I am simply hoping to gain more knowledge about the gays because they are a very large and foreign subculture.’
--maybe explain a little more
Does the essay seem like a story or does it seem too formal? Suggest where narrative elements might serve as good examples.
Perfect… Not too formal, not too story like…. He tells about his gay friends which helps… he could maybe describe them a little bit more though.
Does each paragraph seem to be an appropriate length, with only one main idea per paragraph? If not, what specific suggestions do you have to make this paper better organized?
Yes.. changes subjects with paragraphs
What suggestions do you have to make the content of this paper better?
-Not be as repetitive and irrelevant .. Describe things a little more.. More emotions and make it more personal..?
What do you think the strength of this paper is?
-The fact that he as friends that are gay and he is a straight guy… but still respects the gay community
What are the weaknesses?
-The sentence structure
What’s missing?
-Personality
What’s unnecessary?
-Explaining that its ‘fixed’ , or it’s ‘research’ etc…. he should find a different way to say it without using the words
Mark on the manuscript any important grammar/spelling mistakes.
Fill out the following chart, adding your comments about each component.
CRITERIA
READER'S COMMENTS
Weak Satisf. Strong
____X_ _____ _____ Thesis: clear, important, risky
Comments:
_____ ____X_ _____ Evidence: relevance, strength, credibility
Comments:
_____ _____ ___X__ Organization: arrangement of ideas, guiding the reader
Comments:
_____ ___X__ _____ Mechanics: spelling, grammar, punctuation
Comments:
_____ _____ __X___ Overall effectiveness: Was the relationship between the author’s background and their subculture clear? Were you convinced of the effects?
Comments:
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